Sometimes I feel more often than not like giving up. Life is hard, admit it. I don’t have a whole lot of say with what happens around here.
The military owns my husband and can change anything they want on us at any given moment. They change his work schedule left and right like nothing matters. There are a lot of perks to being a military family, but not everything is always great and dandy like many people think. It’s definitely a difficult/different lifestyle to get used to.
My girls run my life right now. Both with SO many needs. It’s truly incredible to sit back and count how many issues we’ve got going on…. but it’s best to just keep on going rather than stop to think sometimes. Between my two girls, I spend countless hours weekly at doctors appointments. Countless hours stressing about them, about what’s next. Sometimes wondering if they’ll ever catch a break. Most days, I try not to complain, Because I have two absolutely beautiful miracle children who have defied so many odds. But, it is hard to always try to be the strong one, the one that never cries, the one that nobody truly knows what is happening to them. I break, I’m human, I’m not perfect. Humans are meant to break. It is extremely difficult, stressful, and exhausting to care for my little girls. Sometimes I just wish i could have a tiny break. Not even from them, but from the difficulties.
More often than not lately, I realize how much we are here to help each other through this life. Through our ups and downs. Lately I’ve been trying to help others, like is taught in the LDS gospel. To sacrifice and serve others to bring happiness to others and ourselves. “Forget yourselves, and go to work” runs through my mind often. There are many times when I serve others that I forget about my own problems. My own hardships. There is so much truth to that principle. Lately I’ve been trying to find a balance between what I have to give and what I need in return. It’s difficult to find somebody to talk to, who truly understands what you’re going through. To find somebody who really cares. And when I feel all alone, away from family, in a state where I know hardly anybody, it is difficult. I tend to build up inside, and then have days, like today… where I finally break when I have a minute of quiet once the girls are finally asleep (for now). Quiet is not always good for me. I have extremely bad depression and anxiety. Giving my mind any bit of time to slow down and think can tear me to pieces at times. I try to stay busy, and usually I am. I’m busy from the moment I get up, until after midnight working my business once the girls are in bed.
You know when you just need a shoulder to cry on, to lean on…. and you don’t have one right there? It’s rough. It really is. I’m learning more and more about the one shoulder I ALWAYS have to lean on. And that is my Saviors. He is always here for me, and will never leave my side. Friends will come and go. Family will be here, but distant. But my Savior Jesus Christ will always be my shoulder to lean on. He will always reach his hand out to drag me away from drowning when I get on my knees and pray for his help.
With the holidays coming so soon, I hurt. I miss family. I miss tradition. I miss the snow. I somehow have to put a good front on for my girls. To set an example of what the true meaning of Christmas is. Yes, the traditions and excitement are absolutely wonderful. But when we take the time to focus on what Christmas is all about, we can be distracted from the pains of what we are missing, and be grateful for what we have, and the birth of our Savior.
Try to remember the true meaning of Christmas this year. Whether you’re home alone during the holidays, or out having parties. Take a moment, read about the birth of our Savior and remember his life. Say your prayers, lean on him, and find true happiness!